I don't have a belief system that everyone follows. Never have I understood the categories and prescriptions of organized religion. I do, however, believe in chance and sometimes even luck. My day started out at 12:01 am with a strange call. A boy I had known from the third grade called me and wanted to wish me a merry Christmas. Thats not all however. He preceeded to tell me that he had a crush on me all throughout high school. I hated high school. He told me that he was still kicking himself for not asking me out. How do you respond to a statement like that? I wasn't sure either. I thought that was my quota of strange for the day. Sike. Three years ago, I was blessed with my first awkward make out with a boy from Ohio at a beach house with my familly. We talked for a few months afterwards but after that, I thought all connection was gone. Ten minutes after Paul called, Casey decided to bless me with his conversation and see how I was doing. The fact that he called after Paul was only the beginning of that strange and quite odd conversation. After I hung up, I fell straight asleep, hoping that maybe that was all a strange and unfourtunate coincidence. Wrong. Two boys who I had kept in touch with over the course of the semester decided to profess their desire to go out on a date with me on the same day. I however was so flabergasted by all of this that I seriously thought I was going insane. How could it be, while I am in my darkest and deepest depression that boys suddenly found me appealing? How backwards is that! I never wanted their attentions, all I want is someone. A signifigant other to share my laughter with. All of these boys are so nice but I really find none of them attractive. What should happen then that the one boy that I have had feelings for for about five years should come over to my house while I had just hopped out of the shower and looked like a sea monster from the depths of a frozen lake. The one person that makes me feel safe by just glancing and smiling at me. I broke my own heart over him and that was the greatest shock of the day. Seeing his face and feeling the feelings of old. It truthfully hurt to see him. After that, I needed back up from my partner in crime. She understood the magnitude of my craziness at that point so she wisked me away to the outer reaches of williamsburg and comiserated with me. On our journey through the crazy holiday shopping, we stopped in a movie store to stock up for the hangout with one of the boys that has weaseled his way into my attention, if for a short period of time. Who just happend to work there but someone I knew from high school. Tom, a very good person. Someone with a caring personality and the looks to compliment it. A boy that I could easily like. Katie thought maybe that I should, in her words, "jump on that boy". In reality, he has a girlfriend and I can watch him from afar and just be friends. After that, I thought my mind was going to say "fuck you Audrey" and jump out and find another human to torture. No such luck. Walking in somewhat of a daze throughout the one place where Williamsburg bumps into each other, Target, I of course slam into a girl who I went to elementary school who knew my mother. She instantly stopped and stared. I almost didn't recognize her. She was kind and caring and I loved her for all her comments through the years. She loved my mother because my mom had been a woman to love. When we literraly bummped into each other, she immediatily said, "Oh my god, I thought you were your mom for a second there." I hung my head and almost cried in the middle of the makeup section where beauty is held on a pedestool and tears are shunned. After that encounter, I was in a daze for the reast of the evening. Chris tended to lean on my annoyance side and he knew it. I didn't care. I still don't.
This never happens to me. This attention I've received. I usually have days where maybe I will see some people and we exchange "pleasentries" and move on. No such fucking luck that day. Maybe it was the holidays that made the honesty come out. Maybe the honesty is what pushed me to feeling so alone. I've never felt so alone as I did that night. Loved by some and forgotten by others. I haven't let someone in to my heart for a long time. I envy those with someone to dally with on sunny days and disagree with on others. I wish a person would come into my life and recognize my lonliness and pull me from the dreams of having someone to wake up too. Make them a reality. Not just a random guy, but someone I can love. It hurts being so alone.
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