Its funny. Not "hardie har har" funny but ironically funny. I thought that my future was well mapped out for me, by me. I would graduate high school at 18, go to college for teaching and graduate, get a job in Virginia by the age of 22, meet my future husband at 27, move to Canada by 30 have kids at 32 and continue to work until I was about 60. I look at it now and shudder. Its not a bad plan, just not one I want. For some strange reason, I let peoples ideas about my life affect my own decisions. They really have no hand in it, or at least they shouldn't. My "people pleasing" tendencies have taken me too far over the edge and I am now just realizing that I have absolutly no idea what I want to do. I know I want to graduate with History and somehow end up in the motherland however, I have no clue as to how I am going to get there. Let life sweep me by and take chances and risks? I've been told that as a child, that is all that I would do, alwasy the first to jump or first to try something new between my childhood friends. But after a while, something changed. The effects of my moms alcholism changed my attitude and getting into trouble meant I made all those around me angry. So, therefore, dont do anything to make anyone unhappy, Audrey, because if you do they will get sick or really mad at you and no one will like you. I am just now realizing that the guilt I put onto myself is unfounded. I take everyones dissapointments and make them my own. Sponge-like, I would go day to day thinking that it was my fault my mom was sick, not the alchohol affecting her body and mind. It was my fault that my family was so distant. At times I thought that I really was adopted and there was a Russian family waiting for me in the harsh siberian plain. I dont know what happened to that child that was ready for anything. She changed and saw the world through distorted lenses. She turned into me. I exist, thats all. Its not my fault that she died. It's a hard thought to grasp: my birth didn't push her to drink. I know it was stressful and hard on everyone but it just seems strange that all of sudden she just started drinking more and more until it became "The Problem". These thoughts are what have been going on in my head for the past 8 years. My distorted brain picked up a non existant guilt and held onto it until finally I am here, writing about it. I guess its time to grow up and grow down. I need to find that little girl that decided that riding a bike first on the block was the coolest thing and I would do anything to learn first. I also need to take responsibility and let go of all my "guilt".
"One cant make an omlette without breaking some eggs."-french proverb
1 comment:
I'm really glad you have taken this outlet to express yourself. I think it helps all of us understand a little better, including yourself. Writing it down always seems to clarify it to some extent. I love you so freaking much and I think about you more than you know. Keep up the good work and you should think about transferring some of your blogs from myspace onto here.
The video link below made me think of some of the things you must be going through. I hope you like and don't get offended by it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8ZPV4RzG4M
Love: wookie.
Post a Comment