Ever I was a story teller.

Even as a small child, I wove my imagination into a story of enormous proportions and never an ending in sight. Pleasing others my only objective and seeing them smile as I loved to smile. My stories always included hope and magic. Forever an opening into my mind. I haven't told a story of those lines in years. The more Prim and Proper I became, the less my stories were forthcoming. I miss the stars that I played with in my dreams and the people I met on my adventures across the great Sahara or the Amazon. I miss the child I was. That is what most of my problem is. I tried to become everything but what I really am. My spirit is in pain along with my body. My mind a tormented mess. How I dream of the days of flirting with the clouds and playing tricks on the gods of Greece. How do I recapture the spirit that I have almost extinguished. And along the way, how do I break through my lonely hours. Self contemplation is a hard task and humor is all I have now. My serious nature only a facade for the masses. I have no idea what I have left to give the world or what I have left to take. It still does not seem fair that I am still here with no plan in sight. Nothing to look for. I've been chasing nothing. I feel like I am not meant to be here among the masses nor do I belong anywhere else. I don't have a home for my soul. I lost that along with my childhood. How do I find a home that I have no idea if it exists. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, among my own kin, even looking in the mirror. What can I do to make this go away? Where can I go? Everyone has someone. Everyone. I am so tired of being alone in a world where human interaction is key to survival. The one person that I know is in part my soul mate will never ever be mine. My heart seems to war with my mind in that respect. I cant move on from him with out judging every other guy that comes into my life by his standards. Im stubborn, impossible and afraid. Moving on and moving are two different things but sometimes they go hand in hand and in my case, I fear that is the problem. I've known no where else but here, my heart and my body. I need to be away. See for myself the success stories of others. I need hope back in my life and fearlessness. I want to be free.