Why, hello there!

I am never really quite sure of myself. Confidence is not the issue. Fear of lacking in any way is. I'm too much for a lot of people and too little for even more. I figure, I dont want to change for anyone, but really how can I stay the same as I get older? Do I hold on to the principles I've held to my heart for so long while disregarding my instincts in only certain situations? I know I have changed, I feel it, but where am I going now? I already had a life changing event. I already felt enough emotions for 6 people at the age of 98. What now? It's a constant question racing through my head along with french conjugations and philosophical ramble. It hasn't been answered through any means implemented by me. It's just a matter of waiting and that is the hardest part of it all. I'm tired of being the odd one out of my family. I'm tired of trying to make friends with people I don't really want to be friends with. I'm tired of many things that are whiny and melodramatic. It's hard being alone in a room full of people. Don't worry. This is reflective, not suicidal, just in case your wondering. I'm not mad, sad or upset. Just stuck. Movement has become so slow and my tolerance for stupidity has just become a short fuse. Goodness, how do people find fun in a room that reeks of beer, liquor and puke, packed to the max with either really creepy guys or glaring girls or sometimes both? I did at one time, for about a semester but its old. Much to old for me to find any fun. I've found solace in the words of Claudette Colbert and the ladies of the old ways. My goals lately have involved trying to attain the classy attitude and confidence of the women from my grandmother's time. I never was a party girl, and I never will be the life of the party and thats quite alright with me. I guess it is just time to focus on getting things straight and helping others. No more self-pity, bad attitude or general crankiness.

A captured silence. A war within.

I know I don't pick them well. I know that there is an inherent beeper in my body telling me to go after the absolutely wrong guy. Its always the guy that is going to drive me to distraction until I completely go insane. However, I cannot get this one out of my head. Yes he was the guy that helped me in my quest to loose it. Yes he is going to jail for 49 days. And yes, I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me in any sense, however, due to my masochistic ways, I cant stop thinking about him. My brain and my body have been in constant battle for over a month and it is exhausting. I need to find a distraction to help me get over him but no one has been able to catch my eye. Not one guy can breech the walls I've erected. Only him and I have no idea why. I do know he thinks he's an asshole but I know he isn't. I do know that when I am with him, I feel warm and completely at ease. I don't want to feel this way with him. He is the last guy that I would ever pick to feel this way for but that is besides the point, right. How do I hang up the feelings that have become so a part of me. I'm not so dramatic that I don't think it can be done because I know it can. Then again, I thought that the feelings of so long ago had died when in fact, they are stronger and more dragging than ever. His very name on my caller i.d puts me into such a tizzy. I'm strung out on lack of love. I'm strung out on lack of sex. Pandora's box has been opened and there is no closing in sight. Maybe I should just give up and stop thinking about him completely. Cut out those particular memories and make new ones with some other guy that may or may not measure up to my standards that have kept stronger guys at bay. Lower my standards? Maybe. It hurts not being wanted. It hurts not knowing if you are or not. I want so much to sleep without seeing his face right before I fall. Can I please just move on?

Definitly not a Quest for Camelot.

Every step that I have taken has brought me to this moment in time. A lot has changed this summer. A lot of mistakes and a lot of hidden meanings. All the things that I do today are going to affect me tomorrow and the day after that and into the unknown future. Everything has a consequence, some bigger than others. Many would say that I am a dumb girl for the things I have done. I am not dumb, just growing up. I hit a big bump in my quest to loose it. The big bump is that I lost it. The ironic thing is that it was with the person I never thought it would actually be with. Of course I had hoped but never really thought it would be him. I am glad it was him. There are no strings and I trust him, which may show to be a detrimental thing one day but I'll worry about that another day. It happened almost like a movie, except there would be a different rating on this one than R and the ending was a bit unpredictable. I had fun and that is all a girl can ask for her first right? My close friends think that I should be reacting to this differently, that my feelings for him would grow deeper. In reality, he has changed from the mythical guy of my dreams to the real person he has become. We both have grown up and I think thats what made it so easy for me to come to grips with. We aren't meant to be for the rest of our days and that made it much more simpler and less heart wrenching. With my quest in its final stages, I am dealing with the consequences of my choices and so far they are not that bad. A few blushes, a couple giggles and a knowing sense that, finally, I can move on.

It isn't telling me anything, just making me more confused.

The room was fogged over. A dim light was illuminating the corner of the bar. Its attempt to show the occupants their misdeeds was ignored and shoved into the smallest area of the place. I was sitting in a chair that was at least 30 years old and must have been of a service to thousands of customers. I felt its power working over me as I listened to the cover band for Billie Holiday. The Billie was adding a twist to her predecessor's haunting melodys and I was disappointed but also elated to get a fake if not small taste of the 40's jazz era. I look older than I really am, sitting alone at a small table in a small bar in a big city. The notes from the band floated over me as I sat there, waiting for nothing to happen, waiting to go home and be comfortable again. I'm so uncomfortable as I sit there, being ogled by men, envied by women and so alone. The bar is just a mirage as I am transported to the room I so wish to occupy, a younger image of myself appears. Happy, smiling, thinking of all the things that had happened with her today. She didn't fall. She wasn't sad today. She was happy to see me as I skipped up to the house. Her smile made me smile and that was all I needed. She comes into my room, all smiles gone and tells me that we are going for a ride. My older self tries to scream "NO!" but I go because I wanted to make her happy again. I'm pulled away again, taken to a field of nothing. The sky above me is the clearest blue with no clouds. The landscape is dry as bone but strangely furtile. Activity is all around as long as you look beyond the barren land. The wind whispers around my shoulders, distrubing strands of hair and pushing me in a direction towards a mountain in the distance. I start the trek towards it but stop. A whisper in my ear makes me turn around to nothing. A voice that I cannot understand on the surface but once it soaks into my spirit, I know the truth. My heart turns to ice and cracks. My eyes refuse to give up the tears that so long to be released. My body goes numb. I push on towards the mountain, past the creatures that give encouragment without words. I wont be taken again until I reach the mountain. The mountain with no discernable distance.

A dream. It keeps repeating.

Twenty and sunny.

Its bittersweet turning 20. Now I can say, "Yes, I am in my early twenties." For some reason that always sounded so distinguished to me. However, its hard to celebrate when for so long I didn't want to be here for this day. I was so close to the end that this continuing chapter, this extension to my story is something I want to hold dear but I am not so sure how to. The most I can do is be thankful for the fact that I am here. I am happy I didn't give up. I think it would have been the cruelest thing to do due to the fact that my birth was normal. Why don't humans fight to stay alive anymore? In fact, it can be said they fight to kill, not to protect. Isn't that what war is, the extinguishing of the enemy by any means possible? The miracle of birth is now so underrated in society and taken for granted by those who "accidentally" pop out a few kids. The lucky happenstance of a human coming to life is one we don't think about day to day. "I was born". That is something I have taken for granted for my entire life. What else am I missing out on? My purpose may not be set, my heart may not be captured, my eyes may not be entirely open but I am slowly coming to realize that for some reason, I was born 20 years ago and that is something I should never ever forget. I am here for a purpose, one I may not know yet or have realized but it is there.
Also, as I turn these numbers, I am starting to hear the whispering "tick, tock, tick, tock". The biological clock has started ticking and its already driving me nutts similar to poor Captain Hook's obssesion with the swallowed timepiece. Babies have become adorable, the idea of marriage dosn't make me shiver, seeing couples together and in love dosn't make me want to close my eyes and send a prayer of thanks up to the gods. Many don't beleive me that I have done a complete 180 in my thinking about the future, so I just don't tell them. It will be a surprise to them and to me what comes next and I am pretty sure that is how it is supposed to be.

Her Dream

The icy fingers of the wind were pulling her along towards the edge. Their strength grew as she struggled and pulled to stay on firm ground. With the grasping wind whipping around her ankles, she had no hope to break free until she got to the very edge of the cliff. Peering over the rocks, she saw a group of people waiting at the edge of the shore, beckoning her to join them. Her heart stopped as she recognized one of them. Her mother. Tears threatened to break as she tried to remember her true form, not the one she was seeing right now. Gone were the kind blue eyes and warm smile. Gone the tight embrace and soft spoken words. In its place was a closed woman of strange proportions. Hunched over and a terror of unspoken lengths, the woman was trying to get her to jump over the cliff that loomed before her. The tears pooled in her eyes and spilled like tiny buds on a blooming tree. Fearing the worst, she attempted to break the hold of the wind but couldn't move even one muscle, stuck in a limbo of time and fear. A rock slipped under her left foot and she stumbled onto her knees, staring at the woman she knew was her mother. Her heart pounded as she willed her mind to remember her devoid of the haze of disappointment, anger and regret. More tears fell as she glanced at the ground beneath her. The top of the cliff was covered in grasses and sprinkled with daffodils and she was staring straight into the center of a crushed bloom. Its petals strewn across the landscape, it silently mourned its passing and asked her why things happened this way. She paused and said "Because it has too. We all die. We all are moving on a wisp of wind that takes us wherever we must go and we have to let it. Fighting the push and pull of the wind will only make us more angry and disappointed in the things we don't let happen. Courage is the foundation on which we must move on." With that statement now floating on her path, she finally understood that the wind would mover her whether she tried to fight it or not. Letting go of her inhibitions, she jumped and fell.

Introduction to the Beast

She awoke to the quiet fall of snow on the already covered mountain. Her eyes slowly opened to reveal multiple pairs staring straight into her own. Tentatively sitting up, she asked him what everyone was staring at and he responded "You were dreaming out loud. Its something we never do and have never seen done before. You spoke of a world of heat and sand, great large animals moving across an enormous stretch of land. Where are you from?" The question itself instilled fear within her heart and a great sadness overcame her features, "I have no idea where I am from. That must have been my imagination, because I don't even know what sand looks like and I cannot remember for the life of me the feeling of heat on my skin." This made the group pause and shift at the same time. A tremor of curiosity accelerated through them and unspoken questions were flitting through their minds as they pondered the girl they had rescued. A few moments later, the assumed leader pulled her up and stared straight into her eyes, as if trying to read her soul. Fortunately, what he saw was appeasing and he released her and started to clean up the camp from the night before. They had been walking up the mountains for eight days now and she had no idea where they were headed. Her friend kept by her side and at any turn of trouble, he pushed her behind him and continued on. Their friendship had evolved to the point of comfortable silence and peace with each other. Although only a short time had passed and only one name was known between the two of them, their souls had been entwined from the beginning of time and had finally been merged. He called her "his little lontala" which he never explained the meaning.
The further they pressed into the mountains, the more her mind fogged over. Starting over from the age she supposed was 20 was more difficult than she had thought. Her whole life had been erased either on purpose or accident and she had no idea the occurance but she did remember one thing, piercing blue eyes filled with tears and a great unyeilding saddness. Those eyes haunted her and when she went to sleep, she tried to remember but nothing ever made sense within her dreams. There was always something trailing behind her, a great beast that never made it known that it was with her but was always there. Even during the day, she felt its prescense. Always following her, the great beast was the one constant in her life; a shadow that wasn't necissarily dark or ominous but at the same time a haunting reminder of her indistinct dreams. Where was the path she was following? Turning to her friend, she moved closer to his side and grasped his hand, the one place she felt safe and assured. The beast was still there, always watching and in a strange show, protecting her. They trugdged on through the mountains to the place of unknown qualities and small wings of hope began to flutter within her.