An inexplicable pull to the known. To the familiar. Homesickness is something I am very familiar with. I have never really felt a belonging in a place. Williamsburg was always the town I "needed" to leave. Canada always my destination but now I am forever on eggshells and mile high towers, trying to fit in while keeping my identity. Inadequacy has become a part of my daily routine and I am not going to let that continue. The judgement and censure that comes with working in an office has made me realize that it is not a necessary part of life but a consequence of the steps I have taken. But other consequences and realizations have come about. Where is my home, my safety, my ultimate destination?
"Home is wherever I'm with you." Edward Sharpe and his gaggle of band members the Magnetic Zeros have penetrated my conscious and taken hold. It's true. He is wrong for me in every way, but that is what makes it right. I understand, with extreme clarity that I will love him forever, even if there are going to be other men in my life. I am who I want to be with him, even if he isn't in love with me any more or he just can't deal with my self imposed distance. I would do anything, be anywhere and make it work as long as he was by my side. Of course on my own terms I would be able to do this but as long as we could both make the decision instead of me blithely stating " I am moving to where I want to go, and you have no choice in the matter " In reality, I abandoned him and what we had because I was terrified of these feelings and thought they were just wrong. They weren't. They aren't. How can my feelings be wrong if they are my feelings? I feel what I feel and that is that. I keep asking myself if I am just blinded by my feelings of "first love" but I never considered how I felt with him at the time. Calm. Energized. Optimistic. Beautiful. Important. He made me feel necessary. Even 3000 miles away, he still makes me feel this. Yes he also makes me crazy and sad and angry but he makes me feel which is a miracle in itself. I am me with him. I am who I never thought I could actually be. I wouldn't say he makes me complete because that is my job. I am supposed to be complete without anyone else. That is what this move was for, to really get to know myself, and I have. I am getting to know me as the 23 year old and I will always keep learning as I progress through life but I want to share it with him. I want to be complete with him.
And that is the crux. Is he complete? Is he a crumbling pillar or just as strong as I am in this conviction? Is it fair of me to try and penetrate his journey to self discovery with my desire to be by his side? Can he do it with me there or, like me, does he need to do it on his own? What have I done? I ran from him and my feelings for him. They weren't supposed to be that strong. They weren't supposed to become apart of my being, of my completeness. And yet, here I stand. Watching from afar, as if out of my body, I see myself growing weaker, the further I pull from him and what could be.
So I guess the better word to input in my third sentence instead of homesickness: Lovesickness. Maybe they are one in the same, because I feel at home with my love.
*Based on a discussion of "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran and his philosophies.
"For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other's shadow."
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