I'm sorry, what?

Patience has never really been a virtue of mine. I have been able to subdue (for the most part) my inexplicable anxiousness for things to happen when I believe they should happen. My control issues are usually at a minimum and are only applied to things that I know I can control (taking a shower even when I am too tired to, putting down the enormous beer I poured for myself when I really have had enough, eating only half of the chocolate bar instead of the whole thing). However, when it comes to something that I know I will put my heart and soul into and will make me a better person health and mentally wise, nothing can stop me. Nothing. Why did I move up here? To see if I could do it, to see if I could leave behind everyone that I love, including my first love and my brand new nephew  and still survive and be happy as an individual me. And surprise! I am happy as an individual me. I think I knew that all along but at the same time, I needed evidence. Proof that I could do it. It's an amazing feeling to know that I can be happy on my own and still be me. But, as usual, what is next for me? I am not necessarily bored, nor am I upset but now that I am up here and somewhat settling, what now? I have this feeling of ennui when it comes to picturing a life of domesticity with anyone. Usually I hold this life of mine like Gollum with the ring... my precious. But will I always be wanting just a little bit more? Can't I just be content for a while instead of biding my time through something? High school was a constant "You will get out of here, just keep pushing". Collage was a similar sentiment peppered with life altering hang overs and sexual exploits better kept between the sheets, but still "keep pushing, you only have x amount of time left until something else". And now that my great Canadian adventure is becoming my norm, I am starting to fidget and hypothesize what is on the agenda in the next year. Will I return to Virginia to espouse the Oil and Gas industry to the government and be with my family and friends? Can I flee to some European country and try my hand there at being an "adult"? Do I even want to find a man to share my adventures with or do I want to be with the only man who has seen me in my complete and utter raw and kept a straight face when he told me he loved me even more in that state? Is this what being an adult is? This constant discontent and need to keep pushing until I am exhausted or is this a product of my feverish paddling, trying to find purchase on a bank, any bank in order to hide from my true desires?

All of these questions are really stemming from my first (and I believe only) Tarrot card reading. A good friend of mine got me a reading for my birthday. Usually open minded about such things for others, I thought I would give it a shot. How could it hurt? Well physically, nothing hurt, but the whirlwind mind fuck afterwards was exhausting. The man who was reading my cards was obviously sceptical of me and my true purpose in coming but, as a professional with the ever present smell of weed and painting oils, he flipped over my first set of cards. Upside down, these cards looked quite attractive. A little faded and beautifully painted, I was distracted by the wear and obvious love they had received wondering if I would look like that after my adventures winded down into my last years, sitting in a chair, reading 'my book' filled with my memories that I have not even begun to make. His first statement shook me out of my reverie and back into the dimly lit basement room with a shock.

"Marriage, god, you are hankering for it." 

"I'm sorry, what?!" 

"No really, you are positive that that is your end purpose but you keep telling yourself that it is wrong for you, that it's not right. You keep pushing at something else to distract you from that idea." 

Well, turn me sideways, what the fuck was he talking about? Marriage? I know that I have those instincts to want to share my life with someone but not in any sanctimonious ritual. Furthermore, who would I be sharing this "grand adventure" with? 

"Is there an on again off again relationship that has been put on hold because of distance?" 

.....

Silence on my end. I couldn't breathe. It all clicked for about three seconds and then, my frontal lobe began to throb and I let him continue his reading while trying to keep my face blank of any Lukas emotions (blushing, lopsided grin that shows dimples that not even I knew I had before him, a quickening of breath).

"You are a very stable person, money oriented, very sexual and loyal." (when he said sexual, he looked up at me through his unheard of long eyelashes and flashed me a grin).

"You are looking for anything to tell you that marriage isn't right because it's 'wrong' for you and this is actually the right path... it may be roundabout but if you just dive into the search for marriage, it will just drive you nuts man"

I asked him, "so you are saying that if I keep avoiding said idea, I will keep going in that direction anyways and in a way better suited for me?" 

"Pretty much. That's awesome and it totally aligns with your ideas on your path to happiness. You obviously go about things in a much different way than most but you usually come out in the end with much better results than you thought possible." 

Mhmm... yea about that... I had my own ideas about this statement but thought it better to keep my mouth shut. 

He continued to say I did not appreciate my accomplishments and that was holding me from truly enjoying them. 

Now that resonated. I don't see anything I have done as out of the ordinary than what I had to do for myself. These aren't accomplishments, they are points on my map of life. Destinations that are only that, destinations with another one in mind. Marriage is so abstract to me at this point that it is not a destination, its an anchor/albatross and if you have read anything above, does it really sound like I want one of those slung over my shoulders? 

Needless to say, the Tarrot reading hit me like a bag of bricks and the planned evening on the town turned into an introspective discussion with my companion in a dingy, but delicious, Vietnamese noodle house. I am sure the more I reflect on it (notice I did not say "think" or analyse") I will come to terms with what he was really saying, but for now, I just need a catalyst into my next move or I am going to make one and goodness knows what kind of trouble that could land me in.