The Great Shift

I don't remember The Great Shift. It may have happened when I woke up on my friends floor dead (or as close to dead you can get from a hangover). It could have been when Dumb Dumb said the three words I dreaded and craved the most. Maybe it was when I looked into my own eyes and saw nothing of my mother and everything of me. Whenever it was, I am not sure where I shifted to or from. Yes, years ago I was mired in a pit of self disgust and loathing of everything around me. Guilt strangled me until breathing was no longer a natural feeling and feeling anything was blocked out by the numbness one usually feels in a coma.

 Looking back, I know what led me there. What held my hand and said "yes this way is easier, no one will miss you." I will never go back there. I will never let my self doubt and guilt and fear take me again. But now, the fear of all of that happening again is blossoming into another monster of it own. I am paddling furiously, trying to find purchase on some bank but continually swallowed by the imaginary day to day waves of responsibility and change. Sometimes I feel outside of my body and I watch myself falter.

Am I perpetuating this feeling by running from it or am I standing still and letting it swirl around me, never really engulfing me but forever coming closer? Is it all a façade that I have artfully created to trick others and myself into believing that I am all right with what I am letting happen? Last night I was finally able to admit that I still carry guilt and anger and grief over things that happened in my past. It all comes down to needing to feel a part of something bigger than myself. I need to know that I am giving as good as I get and more because I am so lucky for my life and the people in it. That I cannot ever forget. I would not be here if not for the people in my past and now for the little man that I am so lucky to be an auntie to. He is perfect. But I am not there to see him grow and evolve. That is the hardest thing being so far away. Is that where I am supposed to be? But I have to live my life as well, right? Damnations.

Nothing solved but it does feel good to be doing this again. I need to come back to my foundations and keep building.