I am not a pillar unto myself*

An inexplicable pull to the known. To the familiar. Homesickness is something I am very familiar with. I have never really felt a belonging in a place. Williamsburg was always the town I "needed" to leave. Canada always my destination but now I am forever on eggshells and mile high towers, trying to fit in while keeping my identity. Inadequacy has become a part of my daily routine and I am not going to let that continue. The judgement and censure that comes with working in an office has made me realize that it is not a necessary part of life but a consequence of the steps I have taken. But other consequences and realizations have come about. Where is my home, my safety, my ultimate destination?

"Home is wherever I'm with you." Edward Sharpe and his gaggle of band members the Magnetic Zeros have penetrated my conscious and taken hold. It's true. He is wrong for me in every way, but that is what makes it right. I understand, with extreme clarity that I will love him forever, even if there are going to be other men in my life. I am who I want to be with him, even if he isn't in love with me any more or he just can't deal with my self imposed distance. I would do anything, be anywhere and make it work as long as he was by my side. Of course on my own terms I would be able to do this but as long as we could both make the decision instead of me blithely stating " I am moving to where I want to go, and you have no choice in the matter " In reality, I abandoned him and what we had because I was terrified of these feelings and thought they were just wrong. They weren't. They aren't. How can my feelings be wrong if they are my feelings? I feel what I feel and that is that. I keep asking myself if I am just blinded by my feelings of "first love" but I never considered how I felt with him at the time. Calm. Energized. Optimistic. Beautiful. Important. He made me feel necessary. Even 3000 miles away, he still makes me feel this. Yes he also makes me crazy and sad and angry but he makes me feel which is a miracle in itself. I am me with him. I am who I never thought I could actually be. I wouldn't say he makes me complete because that is my job. I am supposed to be complete without anyone else. That is what this move was for, to really get to know myself, and I have. I am getting to know me as the 23 year old and I will always keep learning as I progress through life but I want to share it with him. I want to be complete with him.

And that is the crux. Is he complete? Is he a crumbling pillar or just as strong as I am in this conviction? Is it fair of me to try and penetrate his journey to self discovery with my desire to be by his side? Can he do it with me there or, like me, does he need to do it on his own? What have I done? I ran from him and my feelings for him. They weren't supposed to be that strong. They weren't supposed to become apart of my being, of my completeness. And yet,  here I stand. Watching from afar, as if out of my body, I see myself growing weaker, the further I pull from him and what could be.

So I guess the better word to input in my third sentence instead of homesickness:  Lovesickness. Maybe they are one in the same, because I feel at home with my love.

*Based on a discussion of "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran and his philosophies.

"For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other's shadow."

I'm sorry, what?

Patience has never really been a virtue of mine. I have been able to subdue (for the most part) my inexplicable anxiousness for things to happen when I believe they should happen. My control issues are usually at a minimum and are only applied to things that I know I can control (taking a shower even when I am too tired to, putting down the enormous beer I poured for myself when I really have had enough, eating only half of the chocolate bar instead of the whole thing). However, when it comes to something that I know I will put my heart and soul into and will make me a better person health and mentally wise, nothing can stop me. Nothing. Why did I move up here? To see if I could do it, to see if I could leave behind everyone that I love, including my first love and my brand new nephew  and still survive and be happy as an individual me. And surprise! I am happy as an individual me. I think I knew that all along but at the same time, I needed evidence. Proof that I could do it. It's an amazing feeling to know that I can be happy on my own and still be me. But, as usual, what is next for me? I am not necessarily bored, nor am I upset but now that I am up here and somewhat settling, what now? I have this feeling of ennui when it comes to picturing a life of domesticity with anyone. Usually I hold this life of mine like Gollum with the ring... my precious. But will I always be wanting just a little bit more? Can't I just be content for a while instead of biding my time through something? High school was a constant "You will get out of here, just keep pushing". Collage was a similar sentiment peppered with life altering hang overs and sexual exploits better kept between the sheets, but still "keep pushing, you only have x amount of time left until something else". And now that my great Canadian adventure is becoming my norm, I am starting to fidget and hypothesize what is on the agenda in the next year. Will I return to Virginia to espouse the Oil and Gas industry to the government and be with my family and friends? Can I flee to some European country and try my hand there at being an "adult"? Do I even want to find a man to share my adventures with or do I want to be with the only man who has seen me in my complete and utter raw and kept a straight face when he told me he loved me even more in that state? Is this what being an adult is? This constant discontent and need to keep pushing until I am exhausted or is this a product of my feverish paddling, trying to find purchase on a bank, any bank in order to hide from my true desires?

All of these questions are really stemming from my first (and I believe only) Tarrot card reading. A good friend of mine got me a reading for my birthday. Usually open minded about such things for others, I thought I would give it a shot. How could it hurt? Well physically, nothing hurt, but the whirlwind mind fuck afterwards was exhausting. The man who was reading my cards was obviously sceptical of me and my true purpose in coming but, as a professional with the ever present smell of weed and painting oils, he flipped over my first set of cards. Upside down, these cards looked quite attractive. A little faded and beautifully painted, I was distracted by the wear and obvious love they had received wondering if I would look like that after my adventures winded down into my last years, sitting in a chair, reading 'my book' filled with my memories that I have not even begun to make. His first statement shook me out of my reverie and back into the dimly lit basement room with a shock.

"Marriage, god, you are hankering for it." 

"I'm sorry, what?!" 

"No really, you are positive that that is your end purpose but you keep telling yourself that it is wrong for you, that it's not right. You keep pushing at something else to distract you from that idea." 

Well, turn me sideways, what the fuck was he talking about? Marriage? I know that I have those instincts to want to share my life with someone but not in any sanctimonious ritual. Furthermore, who would I be sharing this "grand adventure" with? 

"Is there an on again off again relationship that has been put on hold because of distance?" 

.....

Silence on my end. I couldn't breathe. It all clicked for about three seconds and then, my frontal lobe began to throb and I let him continue his reading while trying to keep my face blank of any Lukas emotions (blushing, lopsided grin that shows dimples that not even I knew I had before him, a quickening of breath).

"You are a very stable person, money oriented, very sexual and loyal." (when he said sexual, he looked up at me through his unheard of long eyelashes and flashed me a grin).

"You are looking for anything to tell you that marriage isn't right because it's 'wrong' for you and this is actually the right path... it may be roundabout but if you just dive into the search for marriage, it will just drive you nuts man"

I asked him, "so you are saying that if I keep avoiding said idea, I will keep going in that direction anyways and in a way better suited for me?" 

"Pretty much. That's awesome and it totally aligns with your ideas on your path to happiness. You obviously go about things in a much different way than most but you usually come out in the end with much better results than you thought possible." 

Mhmm... yea about that... I had my own ideas about this statement but thought it better to keep my mouth shut. 

He continued to say I did not appreciate my accomplishments and that was holding me from truly enjoying them. 

Now that resonated. I don't see anything I have done as out of the ordinary than what I had to do for myself. These aren't accomplishments, they are points on my map of life. Destinations that are only that, destinations with another one in mind. Marriage is so abstract to me at this point that it is not a destination, its an anchor/albatross and if you have read anything above, does it really sound like I want one of those slung over my shoulders? 

Needless to say, the Tarrot reading hit me like a bag of bricks and the planned evening on the town turned into an introspective discussion with my companion in a dingy, but delicious, Vietnamese noodle house. I am sure the more I reflect on it (notice I did not say "think" or analyse") I will come to terms with what he was really saying, but for now, I just need a catalyst into my next move or I am going to make one and goodness knows what kind of trouble that could land me in.

The Great Shift

I don't remember The Great Shift. It may have happened when I woke up on my friends floor dead (or as close to dead you can get from a hangover). It could have been when Dumb Dumb said the three words I dreaded and craved the most. Maybe it was when I looked into my own eyes and saw nothing of my mother and everything of me. Whenever it was, I am not sure where I shifted to or from. Yes, years ago I was mired in a pit of self disgust and loathing of everything around me. Guilt strangled me until breathing was no longer a natural feeling and feeling anything was blocked out by the numbness one usually feels in a coma.

 Looking back, I know what led me there. What held my hand and said "yes this way is easier, no one will miss you." I will never go back there. I will never let my self doubt and guilt and fear take me again. But now, the fear of all of that happening again is blossoming into another monster of it own. I am paddling furiously, trying to find purchase on some bank but continually swallowed by the imaginary day to day waves of responsibility and change. Sometimes I feel outside of my body and I watch myself falter.

Am I perpetuating this feeling by running from it or am I standing still and letting it swirl around me, never really engulfing me but forever coming closer? Is it all a façade that I have artfully created to trick others and myself into believing that I am all right with what I am letting happen? Last night I was finally able to admit that I still carry guilt and anger and grief over things that happened in my past. It all comes down to needing to feel a part of something bigger than myself. I need to know that I am giving as good as I get and more because I am so lucky for my life and the people in it. That I cannot ever forget. I would not be here if not for the people in my past and now for the little man that I am so lucky to be an auntie to. He is perfect. But I am not there to see him grow and evolve. That is the hardest thing being so far away. Is that where I am supposed to be? But I have to live my life as well, right? Damnations.

Nothing solved but it does feel good to be doing this again. I need to come back to my foundations and keep building.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. -Katherine Hepburn

'Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around."

Days like this make me remember how much I hate being here. I want to move on. I want to let go. I want everything that is just out of reach. I wish she was here to hold our hands and smile gently. An encouraging nod and some honest words exchanged. Then a little shove in the right direction. There are days I feel so lost, no direction or motivation. All honest conversations drowned out by the ridiculous movements of day to day. Small moments that become so much a part of my life. I miss the laughter that easily would come. I knew this would hurt and yes, it really does, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. Im hurting. Plain and simple. I need someone to hold me and shake some sense into me. I need some help but no one really can, can they? I have to do this alone. Yes, some advice from my oh so worldly friends and family, but in reality, I'm on my own now, completely. I need to move on. I need to grow just a little more but I feel like a little girl in her mothers heels. I'm so scared, so tired. I'm not mad nor am I sad. Just apathetic and that is never much fun. I need some excitement or a distraction or just something to push me harder. I'm stuck.

I'm going to run. Run far, alone or not, I don't choose to care. Where? No where far. Maybe where the wild things are.

Why, hello there!

I am never really quite sure of myself. Confidence is not the issue. Fear of lacking in any way is. I'm too much for a lot of people and too little for even more. I figure, I dont want to change for anyone, but really how can I stay the same as I get older? Do I hold on to the principles I've held to my heart for so long while disregarding my instincts in only certain situations? I know I have changed, I feel it, but where am I going now? I already had a life changing event. I already felt enough emotions for 6 people at the age of 98. What now? It's a constant question racing through my head along with french conjugations and philosophical ramble. It hasn't been answered through any means implemented by me. It's just a matter of waiting and that is the hardest part of it all. I'm tired of being the odd one out of my family. I'm tired of trying to make friends with people I don't really want to be friends with. I'm tired of many things that are whiny and melodramatic. It's hard being alone in a room full of people. Don't worry. This is reflective, not suicidal, just in case your wondering. I'm not mad, sad or upset. Just stuck. Movement has become so slow and my tolerance for stupidity has just become a short fuse. Goodness, how do people find fun in a room that reeks of beer, liquor and puke, packed to the max with either really creepy guys or glaring girls or sometimes both? I did at one time, for about a semester but its old. Much to old for me to find any fun. I've found solace in the words of Claudette Colbert and the ladies of the old ways. My goals lately have involved trying to attain the classy attitude and confidence of the women from my grandmother's time. I never was a party girl, and I never will be the life of the party and thats quite alright with me. I guess it is just time to focus on getting things straight and helping others. No more self-pity, bad attitude or general crankiness.

A captured silence. A war within.

I know I don't pick them well. I know that there is an inherent beeper in my body telling me to go after the absolutely wrong guy. Its always the guy that is going to drive me to distraction until I completely go insane. However, I cannot get this one out of my head. Yes he was the guy that helped me in my quest to loose it. Yes he is going to jail for 49 days. And yes, I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me in any sense, however, due to my masochistic ways, I cant stop thinking about him. My brain and my body have been in constant battle for over a month and it is exhausting. I need to find a distraction to help me get over him but no one has been able to catch my eye. Not one guy can breech the walls I've erected. Only him and I have no idea why. I do know he thinks he's an asshole but I know he isn't. I do know that when I am with him, I feel warm and completely at ease. I don't want to feel this way with him. He is the last guy that I would ever pick to feel this way for but that is besides the point, right. How do I hang up the feelings that have become so a part of me. I'm not so dramatic that I don't think it can be done because I know it can. Then again, I thought that the feelings of so long ago had died when in fact, they are stronger and more dragging than ever. His very name on my caller i.d puts me into such a tizzy. I'm strung out on lack of love. I'm strung out on lack of sex. Pandora's box has been opened and there is no closing in sight. Maybe I should just give up and stop thinking about him completely. Cut out those particular memories and make new ones with some other guy that may or may not measure up to my standards that have kept stronger guys at bay. Lower my standards? Maybe. It hurts not being wanted. It hurts not knowing if you are or not. I want so much to sleep without seeing his face right before I fall. Can I please just move on?

Definitly not a Quest for Camelot.

Every step that I have taken has brought me to this moment in time. A lot has changed this summer. A lot of mistakes and a lot of hidden meanings. All the things that I do today are going to affect me tomorrow and the day after that and into the unknown future. Everything has a consequence, some bigger than others. Many would say that I am a dumb girl for the things I have done. I am not dumb, just growing up. I hit a big bump in my quest to loose it. The big bump is that I lost it. The ironic thing is that it was with the person I never thought it would actually be with. Of course I had hoped but never really thought it would be him. I am glad it was him. There are no strings and I trust him, which may show to be a detrimental thing one day but I'll worry about that another day. It happened almost like a movie, except there would be a different rating on this one than R and the ending was a bit unpredictable. I had fun and that is all a girl can ask for her first right? My close friends think that I should be reacting to this differently, that my feelings for him would grow deeper. In reality, he has changed from the mythical guy of my dreams to the real person he has become. We both have grown up and I think thats what made it so easy for me to come to grips with. We aren't meant to be for the rest of our days and that made it much more simpler and less heart wrenching. With my quest in its final stages, I am dealing with the consequences of my choices and so far they are not that bad. A few blushes, a couple giggles and a knowing sense that, finally, I can move on.