It isn't telling me anything, just making me more confused.

The room was fogged over. A dim light was illuminating the corner of the bar. Its attempt to show the occupants their misdeeds was ignored and shoved into the smallest area of the place. I was sitting in a chair that was at least 30 years old and must have been of a service to thousands of customers. I felt its power working over me as I listened to the cover band for Billie Holiday. The Billie was adding a twist to her predecessor's haunting melodys and I was disappointed but also elated to get a fake if not small taste of the 40's jazz era. I look older than I really am, sitting alone at a small table in a small bar in a big city. The notes from the band floated over me as I sat there, waiting for nothing to happen, waiting to go home and be comfortable again. I'm so uncomfortable as I sit there, being ogled by men, envied by women and so alone. The bar is just a mirage as I am transported to the room I so wish to occupy, a younger image of myself appears. Happy, smiling, thinking of all the things that had happened with her today. She didn't fall. She wasn't sad today. She was happy to see me as I skipped up to the house. Her smile made me smile and that was all I needed. She comes into my room, all smiles gone and tells me that we are going for a ride. My older self tries to scream "NO!" but I go because I wanted to make her happy again. I'm pulled away again, taken to a field of nothing. The sky above me is the clearest blue with no clouds. The landscape is dry as bone but strangely furtile. Activity is all around as long as you look beyond the barren land. The wind whispers around my shoulders, distrubing strands of hair and pushing me in a direction towards a mountain in the distance. I start the trek towards it but stop. A whisper in my ear makes me turn around to nothing. A voice that I cannot understand on the surface but once it soaks into my spirit, I know the truth. My heart turns to ice and cracks. My eyes refuse to give up the tears that so long to be released. My body goes numb. I push on towards the mountain, past the creatures that give encouragment without words. I wont be taken again until I reach the mountain. The mountain with no discernable distance.

A dream. It keeps repeating.

Twenty and sunny.

Its bittersweet turning 20. Now I can say, "Yes, I am in my early twenties." For some reason that always sounded so distinguished to me. However, its hard to celebrate when for so long I didn't want to be here for this day. I was so close to the end that this continuing chapter, this extension to my story is something I want to hold dear but I am not so sure how to. The most I can do is be thankful for the fact that I am here. I am happy I didn't give up. I think it would have been the cruelest thing to do due to the fact that my birth was normal. Why don't humans fight to stay alive anymore? In fact, it can be said they fight to kill, not to protect. Isn't that what war is, the extinguishing of the enemy by any means possible? The miracle of birth is now so underrated in society and taken for granted by those who "accidentally" pop out a few kids. The lucky happenstance of a human coming to life is one we don't think about day to day. "I was born". That is something I have taken for granted for my entire life. What else am I missing out on? My purpose may not be set, my heart may not be captured, my eyes may not be entirely open but I am slowly coming to realize that for some reason, I was born 20 years ago and that is something I should never ever forget. I am here for a purpose, one I may not know yet or have realized but it is there.
Also, as I turn these numbers, I am starting to hear the whispering "tick, tock, tick, tock". The biological clock has started ticking and its already driving me nutts similar to poor Captain Hook's obssesion with the swallowed timepiece. Babies have become adorable, the idea of marriage dosn't make me shiver, seeing couples together and in love dosn't make me want to close my eyes and send a prayer of thanks up to the gods. Many don't beleive me that I have done a complete 180 in my thinking about the future, so I just don't tell them. It will be a surprise to them and to me what comes next and I am pretty sure that is how it is supposed to be.