Painfull Breathing

Everytime I bring a thought from my past, something hinders it. I cant seem to break out of this shell that I built around me. Im so tired of trying. Whenever my dad says hes proud of me, its so hard to take because I dont think he has anything to be proud of. I feel like such a failure of my own expectations and those around me. I cant shake the hurt that I feel everytime I think of how I've fucked up my own life. My self centered ways and inability to love myself. I dont know when my laugh is fake or if I am really trying to get better. It hurtts so much, trying to work through the day and see how I react to certain things, why I want to cry everyday about irrelevent things. Even with this medication I feel like I am falling further into this hole that I dug myself. I want to make it stop but I dont know how. Im stuck.