I am never really quite sure of myself. Confidence is not the issue. Fear of lacking in any way is. I'm too much for a lot of people and too little for even more. I figure, I dont want to change for anyone, but really how can I stay the same as I get older? Do I hold on to the principles I've held to my heart for so long while disregarding my instincts in only certain situations? I know I have changed, I feel it, but where am I going now? I already had a life changing event. I already felt enough emotions for 6 people at the age of 98. What now? It's a constant question racing through my head along with french conjugations and philosophical ramble. It hasn't been answered through any means implemented by me. It's just a matter of waiting and that is the hardest part of it all. I'm tired of being the odd one out of my family. I'm tired of trying to make friends with people I don't really want to be friends with. I'm tired of many things that are whiny and melodramatic. It's hard being alone in a room full of people. Don't worry. This is reflective, not suicidal, just in case your wondering. I'm not mad, sad or upset. Just stuck. Movement has become so slow and my tolerance for stupidity has just become a short fuse. Goodness, how do people find fun in a room that reeks of beer, liquor and puke, packed to the max with either really creepy guys or glaring girls or sometimes both? I did at one time, for about a semester but its old. Much to old for me to find any fun. I've found solace in the words of Claudette Colbert and the ladies of the old ways. My goals lately have involved trying to attain the classy attitude and confidence of the women from my grandmother's time. I never was a party girl, and I never will be the life of the party and thats quite alright with me. I guess it is just time to focus on getting things straight and helping others. No more self-pity, bad attitude or general crankiness.
