I know I don't pick them well. I know that there is an inherent beeper in my body telling me to go after the absolutely wrong guy. Its always the guy that is going to drive me to distraction until I completely go insane. However, I cannot get this one out of my head. Yes he was the guy that helped me in my quest to loose it. Yes he is going to jail for 49 days. And yes, I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me in any sense, however, due to my masochistic ways, I cant stop thinking about him. My brain and my body have been in constant battle for over a month and it is exhausting. I need to find a distraction to help me get over him but no one has been able to catch my eye. Not one guy can breech the walls I've erected. Only him and I have no idea why. I do know he thinks he's an asshole but I know he isn't. I do know that when I am with him, I feel warm and completely at ease. I don't want to feel this way with him. He is the last guy that I would ever pick to feel this way for but that is besides the point, right. How do I hang up the feelings that have become so a part of me. I'm not so dramatic that I don't think it can be done because I know it can. Then again, I thought that the feelings of so long ago had died when in fact, they are stronger and more dragging than ever. His very name on my caller i.d puts me into such a tizzy. I'm strung out on lack of love. I'm strung out on lack of sex. Pandora's box has been opened and there is no closing in sight. Maybe I should just give up and stop thinking about him completely. Cut out those particular memories and make new ones with some other guy that may or may not measure up to my standards that have kept stronger guys at bay. Lower my standards? Maybe. It hurts not being wanted. It hurts not knowing if you are or not. I want so much to sleep without seeing his face right before I fall. Can I please just move on?
